The Meaning

What is the meaning of my life today? I'm supposed to go to class tonight: my business class. It is so hard for me to be enthused about class today. Who cares? What difference does it make? I'm single. I have no cheerleaders rooting for me. My teenagers have left me for their father. I really felt abandoned when they left. I am so angry with my kids. They are not loyal. Everything I tried to teach them, has fallen on insolent minds. I speak. Do I make a sound? I said a profound heartfelt thought out loud. Does anyone listen? Can anyone hear the sound of my voice? I have opinions. So what? Does anyone care?

I sometimes feel lifeless. I have to keep reminding myself of all the heartaches and headaches I endured when the children were under my roof. It was chaotic, hectic, restless, noisy, and full of tension. The children were the focus of my attention. Now they are independent and creating lives of their own making. This phase of life is bittersweet. My girls are self sufficient. There are some benefits to living single. I love having my solitude. I love having enough rest. I love the sound and feel of peace. I love having the freedom to pursue my hobbies and interests without a crude or sarcastic comment. I have filled my life with more than enough projects to keep me busy for the rest of my life. However, I continually long to share my life with Mr. Right for me.

I was married once. I learned many valuable lessons from that marriage. I would like to marry again. But this time the marriage would be a good match between two persons with similar interests yet allowed the freedom to pursue their own passions.

Sigh, I've also partially resigned myself to the possibility, that I may not ever again marry. I have been single for so, so, long. How long, I'd rather not say because it would just remind me of how hopeless my situation is. When I get to this point, I remind myself of how fortunate I am not to be trapped in an unhealthy relationship. I'd rather be single than to be married and miserable, afraid, desperate, and isolated.

You know what really gets on my very last nerves? When the media picks on my ethnicity. I have seen articles from respectable newspapers that degrade black women. There was a headline in my local paper titled " Aids rate highest among African American Women." While surfing online I came across a statistic: 70% of black women are single. How about another oldie: 80% of African American children are raised in single parent households. I have a question, if most black women are single who is giving them aids?(click on title "The Meaning" for direct link to video.)or go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8EEnFvynzl

There are many African American women who live with integrity. I think about the women who helped to abolish slavery: Harriett Tubman and Sojourner Truth. I think about God fearing upstanding women who are pillars in their family and communities like my grandmother Charlotte Ruth. When I get discouraged, I remember the sacrifices of my ancestors. Grandmother Ruth always had an encouraging word for me as a child. Grandmother always told me she was praying for me. She admonished me to always put God first in everything I do. Grandmother always, no matter what the circumstance, had faith in God. My grandmother often visited the sick and gave to those in need. My grandmother is now 86 years old and living with my aunt and uncle. She has been retired from her work as a seamstress for Cherry Hospital for many years. Grandmother has been a widow for 12 years. I thank God for my grandmother.

I also think about the strength of my mother who lived alone in the fierce world raising 3 daughters. My mother divorced my father when I was very young. Nothing could scare my mother. She was the strongest woman I know. I am so very thankful of the time I had with her during the last 2 years of her life.

I vow to continue to have faith as I face the unknown. I will not lose hope. On January 20, 2009, Barack Obama was inaugurated. He is America's first black president. I continue to believe, faith can move mountains. All things are possible with God.